If I’m picking songs apart, I’m doing that because I like the particular song. The song will definitely be on my playlist, which means I’m listening to it which is why my mind is begging me to write about it. I won’t dissect songs I hate and never hear.

Yesterday while cleaning my house, I was listening to and loving the song “You Better You Bet” by The Who.

This is a song about an abusive relationship. Here are a few of the specific lyrics I want to reference:

I don't really mind how much you love me
Ooh, a little is alright
When you say, come over and spend the night
Tonight, tonight

….

[Chorus]
When I say I love you, you say you better
You better, you better you bet
When I say I need you, you say you better
You better, you better you bet

[Post-Chorus]
You better bet your life
Or “love” will cut you, cut you like a knife

….

You better love me, all the time now
You better shove me back into line now
You better love me, all the time now
You better shove me back into line now

Like all relationships, it takes two. The singer believes that this treatment is okay. He likely does believe he loves the woman. I know that it’s common for people in abusive relationships to feel like they actually love the person who is abusing them. If they didn’t, then they wouldn’t feel so drawn to the relationship. That feeling of being drawn to the relationship comes from being accustomed to abuse from childhood on. It’s what feels normal to them. So they often act as if it’s a normal relationship or “not as bad” as others would say it was. So, it’s no surprise to me that this song is sung in a way that makes it feel normal.

That doesn’t make it less abusive. It’s almost a gaslight to us (except in this case it’s unintentional). The abuse should have been obvious by the command, “You better.” But it’s more obvious when you see threats that “‘love’ will cut like a knife.” I always misheard that as “I’ll cut you like a knife,” which is a threat. It’s possible that this line is not written to be a threat, but a statement on how if you love someone then eventually what they do or don’t do will impact your emotional state and inevitably you will feel pain. But it sounds more like a threat to me in this context. The singer also sings, “You better shove me back into line now,” again referencing that he’s okay with this abusive relationship.

Rescue Me With Your Love

A lot of people who are lonely feel like victims as if loneliness were a persecutor. These sorts of people look to possible mates as if they are “saviors” or “rescuers” dispatching the loneliness and all consequences of feeling like a failure of not being in a relationship.

They can start to idolize the mate, because they do not believe they could feel content by themselves. They feel something like a desperate need for the person to stay, in order to keep them from ever facing that loneliness again.

These people attract others who want to play Savior to them. The woman in the song is a perfect example. When everything is going good between them, the woman (and others like her) enjoy being “worshipped.” But, if there is a hint that they are no longer being worshipped and they are now being seen as a faulty human, they can get pissed. They will turn into a “persecutor” saying things like, “You better love me, all the time now,” and “You better bet your life or ‘love’ will cut you, cut you like a knife.”

Healthy people will not threaten each other in order to be “loved.” They will appreciate hearing that they’re loved, like a humble person. The fact that she says, “You better,” shows how narcissistic she is because she assumes she should be loved.

There is a desire and (assumption of their own worthiness) to be worshipped by these sorts of narcissists.

Sometimes this is not seen just in romantic relationships, but in parental relations. A mother or father might say, “I brought you into this world, I can take you out. You should respect (meaning worship) me.”

Parasocial Relationships

To learn more about parasocial relationships, I would suggest checking out a couple of articles from HollyMathNerd.

1. Unified Theory of Networked Narcissism: how and why social media makes us all into the worst versions of ourselves

2. "Anti-Racism" Damages Everyone: giving language to something many have noticed

Basically, people see someone online or on TV, or listen to them on the radio, or reading them online and start to feel as if they truly know the person, while the person being listened to knows nothing of the viewer/listener. It’s a lopsided “relationship” that is inauthentic because it does not actually exist for both parties.

It can happen that audience members believe they truly know the person they’re reading or listening to, but they do not.

I’ve had the pleasure of meeting some people who found me online because of my YouTube videos and Facebook presence. We had some good times. But now I don’t speak to any of them. They all got the wrong impression of me. Because we’d talked on the phone plenty of times we were able to have good times in person. But they had overlays, or impressions of who I was. One in particular saw me as her “savior,” with the knowledge I would discuss with her, and then turned around and viewed me as a “victim” whom she needed to “rescue.” That was the beginning of my understanding of the Drama Triangle.

I will not put up with people doing that to me. I appreciate the kind comments from people who enjoy what I write. But if you assume you know me and what I need and try to “rescue” me like I’m a “victim,” I will stop it (the communication). After I wrote the last article, something like that happened again.

And, although I’ve wanted to write an article about this particular song for a while, it wasn’t until yesterday that it all felt right. And, that’s because of this.

Parasocial Hero Worship & Backlash

Viewers, listeners, and readers love to think they know who they are following. They think all the bits and pieces they’ve heard let them know who that person is in the “real world.” But, as I’ve said, they’re wrong.

And audience members can act like “victims” of a lack of knowledge or insight, who see a podcaster or writer as a “savior” doing all of the work for them. I know some people who listen to a show like and feel like “if he’s doing this, then I don’t have to.” We all have to take personal responsibility and enforce our boundaries personally. We cannot say just because this or that person is doing it, then I don’t have to. And, as for knowledge, you still are personally responsible for checking if someone is telling the truth. You ultimately have to rely on yourself.

Eventually those people in those parasocial relationships will see or hear something they didn’t expect, which shatters the overlay that they placed on the person. Please watch this video for more information on overlays. It’s more specifically about romantic relationships, but it works extremely well for parasocial relationships with content creators.

The Backlash After the Overlay Spell Is Broken

Once the overlay spell is broken, the follower can no longer see the creator as a “savior” and then shifts that person into the “persecutor” or “victim” role. It’s usually the “persecutor” role. But if they choose to view the creator as a “victim,” they will start commenting with solutions or knowledge to try to “rescue” the creator from falsehoods. If they choose to view the creator as a “persecutor” now, they will start with (usually verbally/written) attacks or threatening them. They may go on a smearing rampage on social media as well, to try to “save” protentional audience members” from the “evil creator.”

If you are a creator and you’ve experienced this, I hope you now understand more clearly what happened and why.

If you think back to the song, and think about a situation where a creator has said or written something thanking their audience, consider that there are some viewers/listeners out there feeling, “You better bet your life or ‘love’ will cut you, cut you like a knife.” It’s not that they’re literally thinking this way. They’re not conscious of it because they think they know the person.

But, as soon as the overlay breaks, it comes out.

The Newsroom Reference

This clip is from the premiere episode of Season 2 of the The Newsroom. In this scene, Will McAvoy describes this song as how he feels like his relationship with his audience plays out. At one point it sounds like he’s ready to call it a “really demented relationship” but that word gets caught off and he never returns to it. He does say “that person’s just mean.”

I think it’s beyond mean. It’s abusive. And it is demented. And I don’t have those relationships with anyone in my local “real world.” People are way more interested in asking questions to get to know a person when talking to them in person. They don’t assume they know all about you already. I’m considering staying away from social media interactions, beyond writing articles, and may change my comment section in the future if it gets too bad.

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I apparently “frightened” someone by saying I won’t put up with this entitled attitude. When people who like to break boundaries get told there is a boundary that will be enforced, they think you’re being mean. That’s projection.

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If I’m picking songs apart, I’m doing that because I like the particular song. The song will definitely be on my playlist, which means I’m listening to it which is why my mind is begging me to write about it. I won’t dissect songs I hate and never hear.

This edition is about the song, “Winchester Cathedral” by The New Vaudeville Band.

According to Genius.com, these are some of the lyrics:

Winchester Cathedral, you're bringing me down. You stood and you watched as my baby left town. You could have done something. But you didn't try. You didn't do nothing. You let her walk by.

Now everyone knows just how much I needed that girl/gal. She wouldn't have gone far away, if only you'd started ringing your bell.

The lyrics are humorous because the singer is suggesting that if an inanimate object (the church) started ringing its bells, then the girl wouldn’t have left him. In this case, he is playing the “victim,” and is lamenting that the church was his “persecutor” since it let his gal walk away from him. If the church had rung the bells and stopped the girl, he could be singing about it being his “savior” instead.

You could also say that the girl leaving him was a sort of “persecutor” because everyone, including her, knew that he supposedly “needed” her. I sort of touched on this in the last Chords & Conflict. I wrote, “He should be able to part without a guilty conscience. What if he dies and leaves her alone? A lot of people idolize their mates in the sense that they think if their mate died, they wouldn’t be able to live.” A lot of music has that theme of being unable to live without another person, and how they’re lost without someone now. So if the girl knew he needed her and left, wouldn’t he consider her a “persecutor” doing him wrong?

Buildings Or Institutions As Saviors

When I hear this song and envision a guy complaining that a building didn’t save him, I think about people who complain that their government is not doing enough.

In this case, I think everyone would see how silly this is. If the woman is breaking up with him and leaving town, the responsibility was clearly his and hers for how the relationship went. You wouldn’t normally think that a building would be responsible for a woman breaking up with you. And, was he right that if the bells started ringing she wouldn’t leave him? That seems highly unlikely too. He’s just complaining because he doesn’t want to take responsibility for how things turned out.

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Is it that different for people who look for the government to save them and others? Do they really think that if the government forced everyone to get a COVID vaccine we could have had less COVID? Or were they just complaining because they didn’t want to take personal responsibility for their own health (such as decreasing chances with changes in diet and exercise)? Is it any less silly to complain that the government is not doing enough to “save” people?

I think it’s a cute, funny song with a unique feel. Have you heard it before? What do you think of my interpretation? Would you see things a different way?

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If I’m picking songs apart, I’m doing that because I like the particular song. The song will definitely be on my playlist, which means I’m listening to it which is why my mind is begging me to write about it. I won’t dissect songs I hate and never hear.

This morning I was listening to and loving the song “It Ain’t Me Babe” by The Turtles.

According to Genius.com, these are some of the lyrics:

Go away from my window
Leave at your own chosen speed
I'm not the one you want, babe
I'm not the one you need
You say you're lookin' for someone
Who's never weak, but always strong
To protect you and defend you
Whether you are right or wrong
Someone to open each and every door

[Chorus]
But it ain't me, babe
A-no, no, no, it ain't me, babe
Well, it ain't me you're lookin' for, babe

I always sang it as “I know, know, know it ain’t me babe” rather than “A-no, no, no, it ain't me, babe” and I hope I’m correct1. But that’s beside the point.

The guy is talking to a woman who wants him to defend her even if she is wrong, she doesn’t want him to be weak at all. She wants him to open each and every door for her.

We can’t be certain because there’s not a lot of context, but every time I hear this song, I think she’s probably one of those girls playing “victim” and wanting a “savior.”

She doesn’t want to open her own door, not once? She doesn’t want to have a conversation with her man if he thinks she’s wrong or consider if she’s mistaken? She just wants him to always defend her position no matter what? Seems like she thinks she’s always going to be correct and she’s not looking to change or grow. That’s a red flag.

Here are some more lyrics:

You say you're lookin' for someone
Who'll promise never to part
Someone to close his eyes to you
Someone to close his heart
Someone who will die for you and more

What’s more than dying for someone? That seems extreme. It’s nice if your mate feels like you’re worth dying for, but what if it’s a choice between you or your child? Should it always be you? Well, we don’t know her reasoning. There’s too little context to say for sure.

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Wanting him to promise never to part may be a red flag. It’s reasonable to not want to marry a man who wouldn’t promise that. But is this something a woman would outright demand of a man? What if she’s abusive? He should be able to part without a guilty conscience. What if he dies and leaves her alone?

A lot of people idolize their mates in the sense that they think if their mate died, they wouldn’t be able to live. Honestly, some older couples are probably right. Some widows and widowers die of what is probably loneliness and a broken heart right after their mate dies. I know my great aunt and her sister died very close in time, probably because of that.

Because I held on in a relationship for so long thinking, “I don’t know what I would do without him,” I definitely think others are afraid of this. Maybe not everyone. But a lot of people think getting together with another person will “solve” their issues. It won’t.

Everything said in this song isn’t necessarily a sign that the woman was playing “victim” and looking to a man to “save” her. But it sounds like that, especially when the man says he can’t do that for her in a pretty rational way. Some men might just use a woman this clingy and lie to her and leave her later. He’s being outright and honest with her that he’s not going to be able to be what she needs.

It sounds to me like he’s taking personal responsibility, explaining the situation rationally, and strictly enforcing his boundaries. I would be happy that a man would be that honest with me.

But, if she is playing “victim” then she’ll probably label him a “persecutor” to her friends and complain and gossip about him, about how “evil” he was. He should be prepared for that response and then be thankful he got out when he did.

Most of the songs I listen to and ponder writing about are from a drama triangle perspective. This song stands out as not being written from within the drama triangle perspective.

What do you think of my interpretation? Would you see it a different way? Do you like the idea of me writing about songs in this way?

EDIT: A commenter, , linked to Wikipedia’s article and added some additional context. From that article:

"Dylan," Hentoff writes, "went on to record a song about a man leaving a girl because he was not prepared to be the kind of invincible hero and all-encompassing provider she wanted." "'It ain't me you're looking for babe,' he [Dylan] sang, with finality," Hentoff writes in his piece.

The term “hero” is synonymous with “savior” in the context of the drama triangle. Next time I should check Wikipedia before making my articles go live.

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While listening to some music this morning, “I Get Out” by Lauryn Hill started playing. I thought maybe I should share it with you all. Here are some of the lyrics:

Your stinking resolution is no type of solution
Preventing me from freedom, maintaining your pollution
I won't support your lie no more
I won't even try no more
If I have to die, oh Lord, that's how I choose to live
I won't be compromised no more
I can't be victimized no more
I just don't sympathize no more, ‘cause now I understand
You just wanna use me
You say "love" then abuse me
You never thought you'd lose me
But how quickly we forget that nothin' is for certain
You thought I'd stay here hurtin'
Your guilt trip's just not workin', repressin' me to death
‘Cause now I'm choosin' life, yo
I'll take the sacrifice, yo
If everything must go, then go: that's how I choose to live

Enforcing Your Boundaries - Saying No

It’s a great song on many levels. hitting a few things I’ve written about on Substack. First, you need to enforce your boundaries. Enforcing your boundaries doesn’t just help you, it gives the abuser knowledge that you won’t go along with it. It also helps others to see how they could enforce their boundaries and better their own lives.

You Say “Love” Then Abuse Me

So many abusers like to say that they’re coming from a place of love and you should go along with the abuse because it’s helpful to you and others. I wrote about that backward viewpoint in the following article because people said it a lot during the supposed pandemic.

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And here are a few more lyrics from the song, “I Get Out,”:

Oh, you’d have everyone believe
That you're the sole authority
Just follow the majority
Afraid to face reality—the system is a joke
Oh, you'd be smart to save your soul
Oh, and escape this mind control
You spent your life in sacrifice to a system for the dead
Oh, are you sure, where is the passion in this living?
Are you sure it's God you serving?
Obligated to a system
Getting less then you're deserving
Who made up these schools, I say
Who made up these rules, I say
Animal conditioning
Oh, just to keep us as a slave

The Sole Authority - Idolization

So many people look up to scientists and organizations like the WHO and FDA as the authority over what’s healthy and unhealthy. They look to Snopes to figure out if something is misinformation. These people in supposed “authority” often take advantage of that situation. You need to do your own research rather than look up to them as an idol, or “authority” on a subject.

If everything must go, then go:
that's how I choose to live

It is a religious song, and there’s talk of sacrificing oneself spiritually to a Father god, so it would most likely be considered a Christian song. I would say it’s about picking up your cross and carrying it, walking in the footsteps of Jesus Christ.

Being “Born Again”

But I think even atheists can have a “born again” moment where they decide to cast off the shackles of their old lives and old ways of relating to others. I think this song is a representation of that. It is about someone who perhaps saw themselves in the “victim” role and decided they had a choice to do something different. They took the responsibility to leave an abusive relationship. That is like death if you’ve grown up interacting with everyone through a drama-triangle lens.

You have to learn new ways to deal with those who abused you. But you also have to learn new ways to deal with those who are still willing to see themselves as “victims” and can’t understand how you won’t agree with them to play the blame game any longer.

It can be difficult to cast off the old way of being and find new people who don’t still fit into the drama triangle as well. But eventually you will find those people because you will be a new “creation.” The old “you” will be dead. That is the way to truly live.

I hope you enjoy Lauryn’s song, “I Get Out.” And, if you’re new to my substack, perhaps check out those other links to older articles.

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