Lusting for "Righteous" Violence
Why abused people get turned on by persecutors when it's socially acceptable
I’ve been spending a lot more time off of social media and focusing on making meals (and freezing batches) so that I would eat less mass-produced processed foods and seed oils. It’s been really nice focusing on making my life better, and being less focused on what is going wrong in the world. I highly recommend it.
But I was watching my old Veronica Mars DVDs and saw a scene that made me want to write a bit about it. To set this up, Trina (Alyson Hannigan) was putting makeup over the bruise on her face, and her father Aaron Echolls (Harry Hamlin) asked to have Trina’s boyfriend over to the house under the rouse of actually being interested in playing a part in his new movie.
In the scene, Aaron explains that he is used to abuse from his childhood and wanted to go into protector mode. You can see he felt powerless back then, and has repressed anger that he is just waiting to express… but he has to find the right place to express that anger. Now that he’s bigger than the abuser, he is able to do so.
As I re-watched this scene, I felt a part of myself want someone (or myself) to have protected me the same way he protects his daughter. There is a longing in me to get out this same type of repressed emotion. We all long for the right moment to release built up tension when it’s deemed socially acceptable.
Logan (Aaron’s son seen at the end of the clip) was rushing over to warn his father that Trina’s boyfriend has abused her, and you can see on his face that he has absolutely no disgust with what his father has done (it was socially acceptable). Of course earlier in the season, Logan picked out a belt so his father could beat him after making him spend half a million dollars by lying to the press about a donation… so abuse is what Logan is accustomed to as well.
People who have been abused can identify with the victim and get turned on by or approve of the retribution of the persecutor (Aaron in this case).1 Actually Logan didn’t just approve, he was on a mission to do the same thing. They both wanted to play rescuer.
But the other more mature part of myself realized Aaron is a very wounded man and his actions were not the correct ones to take in this situation. Aaron goes overboard. There’s actually a good scene in the series where Keith Mars (Veronica’s father) helps someone evict a tenant who won’t pay for his rent by acting creepy and crazy, but never with violence and he gets his way. You can enforce boundaries and help a lady victim out without physical violence.
But Aaron overreacts and Logan has that tendency to as well. The show of force, a man willing to engage in physical violence to protect a woman when she’s been abused is a turn on. But it’s too much. This is vicious. The men, both victims at some point in their life to someone stronger than them, turn into persecutors. And the damaged women in their lives - they love it. And the other men who felt like victims, they look up to it.
And the cycle continues, because the men who survive and continue to emulate this type of behavior, end up exploding on their mates as well because emotional regulation was never modeled to them. They don’t know what to do with those emotions like anger and the feeling of powerlessness, besides finally exploding when it’s socially acceptable or at the very least explainable.
People who feel powerless have a feeling that they cannot escape that without getting physical power over another. I’m not just referring to this instance. People who felt powerless to COVID wanted the power to physically cover other people’s mouths and inject them with substances regardless of their personal wishes. And turns out that was socially acceptable by the majority! They get turned on by this show of force and respect it because they felt like victims who were unable to protect themselves at some point in their lives.
The truth is that there are other options to enable a feeling of power, but it’s taking personal responsibility and that includes learning to deal with their emotions in healthy ways. And maybe you realize that, but the thing we usually don’t talk about is that people who have felt this way do get turned on by or look up to a show of force that they felt they didn’t get or were unable to personally provide at a more vulnerable time of their life.
Those people need to learn to take care of their own needs (protect themselves in some healthy way). Until they do that, they will feel like they’re lacking and feel vulnerable and continue to pick mates who make them feel as if they will be protected and it will always be these types of people. A normal healthy response will be seen as too weak when someone feels particularly vulnerable and has a craving to release pent up anger that comes from a place of fear and powerlessness.
It’s best we take personal responsibility and heal those parts of ourselves and I’ll do my part. I am not suggesting my readers all have this issue, but for those who don’t, do some introspection anyway, just in case. AND, this isn’t just about my readers - in reality, this should serve as an explanation for why abused people stay with their abusers. Without the abuser, they may feel more vulnerable in world.
If you see someone who will react to an abusive situation in a healthy way as being weak, and have a desire for someone to release pent up fury to protect you, sometimes you will put up with that person hitting or abusing you (and start a drama triangle of shame within yourself).
You may see the person who is not afraid of physical violence as capable of protecting you when no one else will, and ally with him or her, and blame yourself for why you got abused. Because in that mindset, being without that protector leaves you more vulnerable and you think, “I can fix myself. I don’t have power over the world. It’s safer to stay here.”
If you’re new, see also my “Now I’ve Got You, You Son of a Bitch” article. People love what they call “righteous anger” and getting out pent up frustration from a feeling of powerlessness. We have to beware, so we do not become the next persecutor.
Now I've Got You, You SOB Cancel Culture
By now you are probably tired of all of the articles about whether or not the “Right” should get people fired and otherwise engage in “Cancel Culture” activities. I have been wanting to write this for days but due to my full-time job and how long it has taken to put together my thoughts, it’s coming out much later than I wanted.
BTC Donation Address: bc1q4s6h8rhyqawqlz46ppc3zc5v43duycp8m57h9p
Remember, Aaron thinks of himself as a “rescuer” or “savior” here but he is going overboard and the boyfriend will definitely leave thinking he got attacked by a crazy “persecutor”. A savior to one is a persecutor to another and vice versa.