Taking Responsibility For Other People's Emotions
Is Your Mate's Emotional State Your Responsibility?
This is an interesting video from Teal Swan about taking responsibility for your mate’s emotions. I really like a lot of Teal Swan’s work. But I am one of those people in the “new age” category who says other people’s emotions are their responsibility. If you read my Substack you know why I think that.
If you get into a relationship with someone and expect them to take responsibility for your emotions you should be upfront about it in the beginning to make sure they are willing to take your emotions as their responsibility as well. If it’s a mutual decision then that’s a good start to a relationship.
In the video, Teal lays out an example of how someone would become a person who would be “emotionally neglectful” and the story is basically my story. As a child I had my emotions dismissed as not worthy of attention. I was basically taught that other people’s emotions and well-being are more deserving than mine. I took on the responsibility for other people’s emotions as a child through my teens and later 20s. I learned to be able to anticipate what others needed, got rid of my authentic self, and wore a (figurative) mask around people in order to win acceptance and feel as if I was safe.
I learned over time that I was doing this, it was wrong, and I needed to take care of my own needs (and not rely on others to do that for me). I realized I needed to stop taking responsibility for other people’s emotions over mine so that I wasn’t re-traumatizing myself.
So I would not get into a relationship with someone who didn’t want to take responsibility for their own emotions and who needed me to “save” them in some way. I think this sounds much harsher than it is. Especially since I am still fighting the habit of caring too much about other’s emotions over my own. I’m just looking for a balance.
But I also understand that we really don’t have any control over what other people think about our actions. You can do something that you consider wonderfully loving for someone, who, because of his or her own past negative experience gets triggered and flips out unexpectedly. No matter how hard we try to please others, some people are not able to be pleased. And, some people are so emotionally stunted that they will always blame others and not take responsibility for themselves, their actions, or their emotions.
I can see how someone could be emotionally triggered over things and wrongfully blame their mate, and I can see how people who have been traumatized can simply stay in a relationship like that and take it.
I think Teal is attempting to talk about normal relationships. Do those exist? I do not know. Usually, I see people erroneously shifting the blame for their emotions onto others.
What has been your experience in regard to this topic in relationships?
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It seems bizarre to me for anyone to be responsible for others emotions. Others might be partially responsible for a situation I have to deal with emotionally, but I’m still responsible for my emotions.
Emotions are difficult to deal with, and we live in a world that teaches people they have a right to them rather than how to manage them. So it's no surprise people pass the buck on that front.