It seems bizarre to me for anyone to be responsible for others emotions. Others might be partially responsible for a situation I have to deal with emotionally, but I’m still responsible for my emotions.
Emotions are difficult to deal with, and we live in a world that teaches people they have a right to them rather than how to manage them. So it's no surprise people pass the buck on that front.
We would be much better off if children were taught that emotions are all useful (they tell us what we like and don't like) but that we shouldn't stay forever in feelings of anger or fear (but should learn how to find an equilibrium through personal responsibility).
"I think Teal is attempting to talk about normal relationships. Do those exist? "
That's such a blackhole question, that everyone has asked or wondered about, especially when they felt they were not in one.
"Normal" is the problem, since normal to a child of an alcoholic will be different than that of a child who grew up watching their parents dance and sing together and had regular family nights where everyone laughed and enjoyed one another's company.
That's why doing the work you and many of us have, to define "our adult version of normal" is so important.
This was another very good observation of yours:
"You can do something that you consider wonderfully loving for someone, who, because of his or her own past negative experience gets triggered and flips out unexpectedly. No matter how hard we try to please others, some people are not able to be pleased. And, some people are so emotionally stunted that they will always blame others and not take responsibility for themselves, their actions, or their emotions."
This more times than not is the case and happening between people, who have no idea or understanding of it.
I once has a counselor explain that couples ignorantly and willingly go into relationships blindly.
The sex and romance blind you to all the issues and considerations (just on your side) that will be monumental in 6 months to a year and beyond. Not to mention the issues and considerations of the person who will be seated across from you during conflict number 67 or 5,628 of the relationship.
He said it would be like you being an expert at flying an airplane (that represents you) and then someone putting you in an operating room and expecting you to be an expert at brain surgery (that represents them) and when you weren't or failed, holding you accountable for their disappointment, pain, disillusionment, anger, sadness, depression, confusion, lost-ness and reaction(s).
We are not responsible for others feelings, issues, problems or the resolution of those - unless we knowingly and intentionally caused them. If I borrow and crash your car then yes, I am responsible for all the physical and emotional ripples that will disrupt your life and it's my responsibility to rectify the situation. However, if I innocently reject your choice of a restaurant or vacation destination and you lose your emotional and physical mind, that is not my responsibility - and as a side note - is a huge red flag.
Right, people who grew up in abusive or neglectful families will think that is "normal" but it won't match up with what others call "normal." Also, I think most families have some element of abuse in them today, so, gosh, it's "normal" to be abusive in that respect. I mean "normal" as in what God intended: a man and woman happy in love have children they love to interact with and raise into mature adults.
I really like the example of being an expert in one field (yourself) but not the other one. I was in a relationship like that, feeling as I was responsible for his feelings and I had no idea what I was doing. I was walking blindly through a minefield and stepping on mines I didn't know existed. I realize it wasn't my responsibility now, but that can cause a lot of self-hatred.
It seems bizarre to me for anyone to be responsible for others emotions. Others might be partially responsible for a situation I have to deal with emotionally, but I’m still responsible for my emotions.
The majority of people today seem to think it's other people's responsibility. But, yeah, obviously I don't agree with that.
Emotions are difficult to deal with, and we live in a world that teaches people they have a right to them rather than how to manage them. So it's no surprise people pass the buck on that front.
We would be much better off if children were taught that emotions are all useful (they tell us what we like and don't like) but that we shouldn't stay forever in feelings of anger or fear (but should learn how to find an equilibrium through personal responsibility).
Agreed!
Quite good analysis of this subject Barbara!
"I think Teal is attempting to talk about normal relationships. Do those exist? "
That's such a blackhole question, that everyone has asked or wondered about, especially when they felt they were not in one.
"Normal" is the problem, since normal to a child of an alcoholic will be different than that of a child who grew up watching their parents dance and sing together and had regular family nights where everyone laughed and enjoyed one another's company.
That's why doing the work you and many of us have, to define "our adult version of normal" is so important.
This was another very good observation of yours:
"You can do something that you consider wonderfully loving for someone, who, because of his or her own past negative experience gets triggered and flips out unexpectedly. No matter how hard we try to please others, some people are not able to be pleased. And, some people are so emotionally stunted that they will always blame others and not take responsibility for themselves, their actions, or their emotions."
This more times than not is the case and happening between people, who have no idea or understanding of it.
I once has a counselor explain that couples ignorantly and willingly go into relationships blindly.
The sex and romance blind you to all the issues and considerations (just on your side) that will be monumental in 6 months to a year and beyond. Not to mention the issues and considerations of the person who will be seated across from you during conflict number 67 or 5,628 of the relationship.
He said it would be like you being an expert at flying an airplane (that represents you) and then someone putting you in an operating room and expecting you to be an expert at brain surgery (that represents them) and when you weren't or failed, holding you accountable for their disappointment, pain, disillusionment, anger, sadness, depression, confusion, lost-ness and reaction(s).
We are not responsible for others feelings, issues, problems or the resolution of those - unless we knowingly and intentionally caused them. If I borrow and crash your car then yes, I am responsible for all the physical and emotional ripples that will disrupt your life and it's my responsibility to rectify the situation. However, if I innocently reject your choice of a restaurant or vacation destination and you lose your emotional and physical mind, that is not my responsibility - and as a side note - is a huge red flag.
Great post.
Thanks for commenting!
Right, people who grew up in abusive or neglectful families will think that is "normal" but it won't match up with what others call "normal." Also, I think most families have some element of abuse in them today, so, gosh, it's "normal" to be abusive in that respect. I mean "normal" as in what God intended: a man and woman happy in love have children they love to interact with and raise into mature adults.
I really like the example of being an expert in one field (yourself) but not the other one. I was in a relationship like that, feeling as I was responsible for his feelings and I had no idea what I was doing. I was walking blindly through a minefield and stepping on mines I didn't know existed. I realize it wasn't my responsibility now, but that can cause a lot of self-hatred.
Yes trying your best to get through a mine field someone else laid long ago, without a map, is always a futile effort.
It not only builds a lot of self hatred, but resentment and despise toward the person you are trying to "save/help".
Well done in the personal work and progress. Keep pushing forward, to your new "normal".