You're wrong. I'm right. Here's why. Agree?

The "I NEED You to Agree" Attitude

When you start posting in forums, groups, or other socialization platforms on the internet inevitably you will run into someone who thinks very highly of their conclusions about the world and people they meet. The sort of people I am writing about will not consider that they might be wrong. And, they don’t believe that what they believe is a belief. They are 100% sure it’s a fact.

You Believe Your Beliefs Are Facts

You have the ability to tell when you see their responses if they are a person willing to discuss this in a real conversation where multiple perspectives and views are compared and both sides learn something, or if they believe their belief is a fact and you’re just wrong. They likely have motivated reasoning behind their views, which leads them to be 100% against questioning these views.

Motivated Reasoning Keeps Us From Changing Minds

These sorts of people will try to project onto and gaslight you because they can’t see any way in which they could be wrong and you could be right. They do not want to hear another perspective. They want you to take on their perspective of the subject.

They will call you naïve or plain wrong, and either place you into the “victim” or “persecutor” role.

Noticing Naïvety

This is something I’ve written about before sporadically mixed in with other things. If someone sees another person as “naïve” it’s a Drama Triangle red flag. I’m sure I’ve got readers who have called other people naïve and you may disagree with me right now. But, so far, I’ve never seen an instance of someone using that term (to describe someone they are talking to) where this hasn’t been true. I’m open to examples though.

The use of the term naïve is to show that the “naïve” person is lacking in knowledge that you hold. You could “save” them from being incorrect or “naïve” about how the world works if you could share your knowledge with them. You may believe that’s possible or impossible, but you think if they knew what you knew they’d be better off.

The Drama Triangle hinges on people either rejecting responsibility for themselves or seeing other people (“victims”) as not having the personal responsibility to take care of themselves. If you see someone as naïve, you think that they don’t have the knowledge to take care of themselves as properly as you think they should. This is condescending and it’s what someone who sees themselves as a “Savior” would do.

Correcting People on the Internet

If you see someone say something incorrect, do you feel the need to get in there and explain that they’re wrong? That could very well be “Savior” move too. I recently wrote about how if you can see things from multiple perspectives or hold more than one thought in your mind at once others will view you as a hypocrite.

Someone replied to it with, “Saying ‘my perspective at the moment’ is the definition of hypocritical jargon …. defending yourself of being a hypocrite by being an admitted hypocrite …. unbelievable”

He decided to accuse me of trying to defend myself. His view that I was being defensive comes from his perspective that I necessarily am a hypocrite. However, if I don’t view myself as a hypocrite then I don’t need to defend my position. His accusation only makes sense if I see the situation from his perspective. He can not see another perspective or he wouldn’t have accused me of being defensive.

The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function. - F. Scott Fitzgerald

One-Dimensional Thinkers

In my article (that was being discussed in that Note), I discuss one-dimensional thinkers. My guess is that he didn’t even read the article. If he did, he might have seen that it was a reference to what he was doing just then. We have a different understanding of the word “hypocritical.” According to the dictionary, it means, “a feigning to be what one is not or to believe what one does not.” I believe everything I wrote about in the article. I’m not feigning to believe it.

If we have the same definition, then he must think I’m feigning, or lying about what I said. Why would someone think that? The reason is likely that something I said doesn’t fit into his one-dimensional worldview.

My guess is he believes everyone is a 1-dimensional thinker like he is. You can call that projection. Everyone who thinks in one dimension can’t understand that others can see things from different perspectives, so 1D thinker will then project their 1-dimensional thinking onto you. And, because of that, they will call you a hypocrite because they cannot understand how someone can see things from multiple perspectives and still believe both or all sides.

Woke: One-Dimensional Thinkers

I found another interesting quote looking up the origins of that F. Scott Fitzgerald quote. And I think this will tie in nicely with my Substack and the “woke” world we are dealing with.

A broad-minded man, who can see both sides of the question and is ready to hold opposed truths while confessing that he cannot reconcile them, is at a manifest disadvantage with a narrow-minded man who sees but one side, sees it clearly, and is ready to interpret the whole Bible, or, if need be, the whole universe, in accordance with his formula. - H. Maynard Smith “Henry VIII and the Reformation”

I’m not suggesting I can’t reconcile my opposing truths. You can read my article on how I understand them. But, the idea from the quote that someone who is a one-dimensional or “narrow-minded man” would be able to override other, more broad-minded men, is interesting.

The Drama Triangle is a lens in which people see the world, and it narrows what people are able to consider. Most people stuck in the Drama Triangle can’t see any way outside of it. To them, there will always be oppressors and oppressed, persecutors and victims.

If you try to discuss another view, outside of the Drama Triangle, they will simply re-cast you in another role, like “deluded” (victim) or “evil” (persecutor). They wouldn’t listen to a deluded or naïve person’s perspective and, of course, they wouldn’t listen to an evil person’s perspective.

So, the woke in positions of power or influence keep painting any opposing thoughts or perspectives as “evil” or “stupid” to keep their ideas going and to scare people from questioning them.

Now, I don’t believe they’re unstoppable. But because the broad-minded are more easy-going they haven’t been enforcing their boundaries which means they get steamrolled. The way to stop this is to enforce boundaries, use the laws we have on the books already, and stop the cult.

Responses from One-Dimensional Thinkers

As I’ve written, you have the ability to tell when someone thinks they are correct and there will be no convincing them otherwise. If you do not know why you think that in a situation, I would suggest it’s likely your gut instinct. I believe a gut instinct comes from the fact that we take in so much information and only a little bit of it is processed consciously by our brains.

Suffice it to say, you can tell if someone is open to listening to new perspectives and wants to chat with you. And you can tell if someone is not listening to anything you’re saying and just wants to make you agree with them. And, sometimes people argue, not to get you to agree with them, but for their followers for narcissistic supply. Those people like to put others down as “stupid” or “naïve” to make themselves look smarter or like they’re doing something “for the cause.”

When you do notice that someone is not open to listening to you, the next question to yourself should be, “Why am I wasting my time talking with this person?” The smart move is to leave the discussion (which isn’t even a conversation as there is no back and forth) and do something more productive with your day.

Which leads me to the response you’ll get. A person like this wants to play Drama Triangle games with you. If you leave you’re spoiling their fun. So they may become pissed and turn you into a “persecutor.” Or, they may revel in the idea that they “won” the “argument” and/or you were weak and lost or hurt and crawled away.

The only way to win is not to play games in the Drama Triangle.

If you notice a Drama Triangle dynamic and walk away to be productive, you are the “winner” because you have enforced a boundary to not waste time talking to people who will never listen to you. That is how you love and take care of yourself. If everyone did this, the people in the Drama Triangle would have to grow up. Those who continue the Drama Triangle games just perpetuate it, enabling each other.

But you can get out and have a life. You will have to deal with them saying negative things about you. Eventually, you will grow a thick skin and it will roll off your back, especially when you see this pattern happen repeatedly. As you see it repeat, you will know what is happening and what to expect. Fear comes from the unexpected or unknown. But, now you know. And when you see them being predictable, you can see them in a new perspective too. Often the more contrarious people online are the ones who have some trauma or drama they’re not dealing with.

Check Yourself

Have you been strict about your beliefs? Do you think they’re facts? Do you tend to see a post and reply with what you think is the truth so that those people will know better? I’ve done that. But, that attitude attracts the same attitude back at us.

If you don’t like dealing with this stubbornness in others, it may be time to check if you’re doing it too. Ask yourself if you feel a need to be right. Ask yourself if there may be another perspective that you haven’t considered and try to be more open-minded to other viewpoints.

You don’t have to agree with them but cultivate a desire to understand other perspectives. Ask other people questions to learn more before accusing them of thinking one particular way. You may find out that you actually agree but have different definitions of words.

Learn to question your own beliefs, because if you think so many others are deceived, what makes you special? Do you think you have special knowledge no one else has? Are you willing to just discuss with people to hear their views and not impose your own?

You don’t have to answer these questions to me (you can in the comments if you like) but consider them. Because our stubborn attitude can attract the “opposite” and lead to “debates” where people butt heads but don’t learn anything.

We should long to have conversations with back-and-forth questions to grow in our understanding of all the various perspectives out there. This is how we can really converse and grow.

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The Drama of It All Substack is where I share my perspective on the drama triangle games people play today. I want to help you understand them so that you can extricate yourself from the drama. Knowledge is power. Thanks for reading!

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