Drama in Relationships (Idolization & Love Bombing)

My Awful "Dream" Date

For the most part, I have written about the Drama Triangle as it relates to politics or cultural issues and less about how it shows up in personal relationships. If the following had happened in real life, I would be hesitant to share it because that would be extremely rude. But since it was a dream, I feel like I can use it as an example to talk about. Maybe you will have seen this sort of thing in your personal life or someone else’s life.

My Awful “Dream” Date

I dreamt I was on a date with a guy in a movie theater. This guy looked similar to John Ritter in the TV miniseries based on Stephen King’s IT, which makes sense since I watched IT a couple of days ago. So I started to think about the character when I realized that and there are similarities, so I’ll share a little bit about the character in case you have never read the book or seen the miniseries.

Ben Hanscom

John Ritter played Ben Hanscom, the adult version. When Ben was a child he was fat, insecure, and secretly in love with his female friend, Bev. He wrote her an anonymous poem and when he was older, he was still worried that she may not feel the same way about him. It’s a fear that IT, the clown, plays on. Of course, Ben felt like a victim. They were being harassed and terrified by IT. The book/miniseries wouldn’t be good drama if there were no victims, persecutors, and saviors.

The Movie Theater

The first thing in my dream I remember is being in the theater and the movie was on and we were talking. I always hate it when people talk during the movie, so I don’t know why we were talking, but that was one thing I would want to discuss later with him (when it’s not during the movie). We were talking about trying different vegan “meat” foods. I personally do like trying different vegan “meat” (mostly chick’n) products so that’s not strange. The strange thing was that I was talking during a movie.

So I mentioned that I like to find different ones I enjoy so I don’t have to spend so much time looking around and preparing stuff myself. And, he starts to get excited because the theater is selling some vegan “meats” out in the lobby. He says that he can go get some and gets up to run out there, and I say, “No,” trying to get him to sit back down. But he leaves for the lobby.

He left me in the theater on a date. Who on earth does that? A person trying to “save” me would leave me to do that. He cared more about feeling like showing me that he can do something for me than actually just being present with me. If I wanted food, I would have been perfectly capable of getting it myself when we went into the theater the first time. But, he wasn’t seeing me as someone just as capable as he was. He was overdoing everything to try to get me to like him.

Because this was a dream, it gets a little bit more odd. It was morning, and I’ve never known a theater to be open around breakfast, but he brought back breakfast food. There was a foot-long vegan chick’n sandwich with vegan cheese and vegan bacon. But the “bacon” was flimsy. It’s been a long time since I’ve had regular bacon (which I adored as a child) but I could never eat the flimsy crap. I had to ask people to get burned bacon to get it to be crisp as I liked it.

At this time, I have this long sandwich and a large soda pop, and I just don’t want to have to hold this stuff for the whole movie (which I’m basically missing all of because of this stuff). So I start grudgingly eating away, trying to get rid of it and clear my area. He’s going to think I’m enjoying this, but I’m ruminating on the thought that I need to talk with him about this when it’s over.

What I Should Have Done

Now that I’m awake, I realize I should have just left the theater and talked about it outside. It would have been a perfectly reasonable thing to do. I asked him not to leave to get me the stuff, but he did it anyway against my wishes. The “date” was a disaster and maybe if I had told him in the lobby before he got the food, it could have been salvaged a little bit.

I should have followed him out to the lobby and asked, “Why were you talking during the movie? I don’t like it when people talk during the movie, we did come to watch the movie, right?” and said, “If I say, ‘No’ listen to me. I don’t want food, if I wanted food I would have ordered on our way in. Let’s go back and actually watch the movie or wait to see another one from the beginning as we’ve missed so much already.”

You need to enforce your boundaries, and if I say, “No,” I want someone to listen to me. He thought he was trying to “help” (save) me from not having food and ignored that I didn’t ask for help. Reminds me of the time I didn’t ask people to wear masks to help me. Wearing the masks made it worse to hear them, but they said they were doing it for my protection. 🙄

His response to my enforcing my boundaries would say a lot about the relationship’s prospects, but I would be on high alert, as it seems like he’s got red flags (not listening when I say no).

Overzealous in Love

Some people feel like they are the “losers” in love. They feel like they are amazed at getting to go out on a date or go on an activity with someone they idolize (look up to). These people do not see themselves on the same level as the one they are attracted to. They see themselves as “victims” (without love/affection), and their infatuation as their potential “savior” (who can grant the love/affection they think they need).

Idolization in the Drama Triangle

Because they don’t see the other as on equal footing they can switch into “savior” mode and become overly possessive or start love bombing. Love bombing is an attempt to influence a person by demonstrations of attention and affection. (wiki) When he was going overboard with getting me food and drink, he was love bombing. He thought that those actions would increase my affection for him, but it only decreased it, by a lot.

It decreased my affection because I felt “looked down upon,” like he thought I couldn’t get food for myself. Whenever you take on the role of a savior you become condescending.

When Love Bombing Works

To anyone outside of the drama triangle, acting as if they need saving and not being treated as an equal feels awful. The reason love bombing and being overly possessive works to gain affection from some people is that those people do feel like victims and agree they need saving.

To anyone else not feeling like a victim, it’s going to feel like condescension. But if you have been feeling like you also don’t have love in your life, having someone be very protective and showering you with gifts is going to feel pretty damn good. People inside of the drama triangle are attracted to others inside of the drama triangle.

Know Anyone Like This?

Does this ring any bells with you? Do you know anyone like this? Are you one of those people who likes to love-bomb a date? It’s nice to get things done for you once in a while if you ask.

But if someone is not asking for a gift/help, it is good to keep in mind how they will feel if you come in and do it for them. In a long-term relationship, you can have a much better idea of what someone appreciates and doesn’t. But in a first-date relationship, people can be a bit more blind, and make mistakes like this.

It’s always best to listen when people say, “No,” and not push ahead anyway. The biggest blunder he made was not listening when I said, “No.” That is a major red flag as I mentioned before. And I don’t know that the relationship would even last any longer if that was my first experience with a guy.

Cover Thumbnail Picture: Movie Theater