My last post was about a posterior vitreous detachment. There was a hemorrhage and an increased likelihood of retinal detachment or tears. I went back to the specialist after the supposed time frame was up and he said I shouldn’t have to worry about there. The chances just went down to 1 out of 1,000. Since I made it through the one-month worry-zone where the chances are extremely high to have a retinal detachment, I started to calm down.
Then I started to have odd experiences.
I struggle with health anxiety. If you are a longer-time reader and checked out my other, law of attraction, Substack, then you would know I had a vitreous detachment (without being told what it was) a couple of years ago and wrote about how it brought up fears of going blind.
I have to be careful not to catastrophize. But, also, I have to know when something is actually going on and get help. It is extremely difficult for me to balance these thoughts.
So I read up on Posterior Vitreous Detachments and retinal issues and asked questions of my retinal specialist and local optometrist. And I learned that most of my posterior vitreous had now detached from the retina (leaving scar tissue there), to the point that I didn’t really think I would have flashes of light any longer.
I have been told to check the Amsler Grid daily as the scar tissue might make my vision wavy or distorted in some way, but I didn’t think retinal tears or detachment would be an issue any longer.
Then came a Thursday evening with flashing lights. My retinal specialist had said, “Flashing lights don’t mean anything,” in the sense that we know that my vitreous is ripe for detaching. The warning signs for retinal detachment are a black curtain covering your eye sight and rapid increased floaters (and flashing lights, but I dismissed those).
I didn’t see that black curtain or extra floaters. The reason I didn’t see it is likely because I was noticing the problem at the point of flashing lights, before it got as bad as when a normal person would go to their eye doctor or the emergency room.
When I woke up and opened my eyes, for a split second I would see a black circle. But it went away. If I closed my eyes and opened them again, I would see it and it would go away. I saw the flashing lights, but I kept telling myself, “The specialist said that doesn’t mean anything and I’m not seeing a black curtain and the chances are 1 in 1000.” But eventually I knew I would be making an eye appointment for Monday.
I was told by my local doctor that I had a retinal tear on Monday. I made an appointment for the next day with my specialist. I drove into the Twin Cities. That Tuesday morning, I could see I had a flesh-colored blind spot (not black, never saw a black curtain) and when I was examined I was told that I had a retinal detachment and needed surgery. I was told the blind spot was the retinal detachment, so it’s not always a black curtain.
I had surgery on Wednesday, since I ate breakfast on Tuesday morning. I don’t do that now.1 During the surgery, I also had a sclera buckle sewed into my eye, a vitrectomy2, and gas bubble put in. For those who know about retinal surgeries, they often think you have to lay face down. Not always. I sat with my face down the first afternoon, but was told to sleep on my left side and I could be upright the rest of the time. I just couldn’t lay on my back.
I was stuck my family’s house for over a week. But I had packed for a day trip since I was told I had a retinal tear. Retinal tears can be fixed with a laser in office. Detachments need surgery. I had to get extra food and drinks for myself. I couldn’t drive. My left side started to get sore from sleeping only on the left. The eye was so itchy and in pain and for at least one day really swollen shut. As you can expect, it wasn’t a pleasant experience.
Thankfully I did get MN Paid leave money from the state of MN eventually so the church didn’t have to pay me sick & safe time off. They managed. I’ll probably do the same sort of thing all over again since I’m now seeing distortion when I look at the Amsler grid.
Last Tuesday, August 11th, I was told that my eye is healing from the surgery and the scar tissue is causing distortion. I can’t have surgery yet, because he says that it will just keep happening unless we let it go through the process.
I will likely get an air bubble (not gas) that will last about a week (not two weeks like the gas bubble). I probably won’t have to sleep on my face/stomach. But I don’t know when the surgery will be. He wants me to get checked again in a month.
So this is why I haven’t been writing. I have been struggling with anxiety, made worse by the fact that I was correct to be afraid and my eyesight was saved by my hyper-vigilance. Try telling yourself to calm down when there is actually a metaphorical lion in the room with you. Dealing with insurance and surgery bills has been upsetting as well.
I am taking some vacation time this upcoming week, and finally thought, “I can write.”
I have definitely felt like a victim. But I don’t think I see God as the perpetrator. I have been struggling with feeling as if a part of me is letting myself down. I also get mad about my upbringing, because I feel like if I were supported as a child, and cared for, that I wouldn’t be so hyper-vigilant (straining my eyes). There’s more to it than that. I would love to be able to write more and do more in my life. But right now I have to focus on helping myself feel supported and rest. With one eye distorted and the other one okay, and with my anxiety over it all, I can get nauseous from time to time as well.
But that feeling like a victim is not how I feel most of the time. I have to remind myself that I did take care of myself, getting into the doctor when I needed to in order to save my eyesight. At some point this will be behind me. I am sick of having to see my eye doctors so much. But at some point that will hopefully die down.
But right now, if I happened to be ready for surgery in September, I know I would have the Tuesday appointment, then surgery, then one-day post-op checkup, then the one-week post-op checkup, then the one-month post-op checkup, and then the 3-month post op checkup. And that’s all assuming nothing goes wrong, God-willing.
I really am sick and tired of this. That might be partly why I haven’t wanted to write about it either. It’s a mess. It’s thrown my life upside down. In Spring I had plans, great plans. Now I’m just trying to get by without something else going wrong.
I am thankful I can still drive with my eye the way it is, because it is a long way from here to the Twin Cities. (Even if I couldn’t, I have been told people would help me and drive me in which I also appreciate). And, I can still work right now. My right eye compensates for the left most of the time (when a floater or some object isn’t getting in the way of its view). My left eye can see things pretty well, albeit a bit distorted, farther away (like driving view). It just really distorts and blurs text in a close-up view.
I appreciate all you readers. I feel bad when I’m not writing. I just haven’t been able to and I don’t know what to expect for my future.
The last two appointments I skipped breakfast in case I needed surgery. Although if everything goes smoothly, I won’t skip breakfast for my next appointment because I know my retinal specialist is planning to do it and he won’t do surgery the same day he’s in the office (not hospital).
Thank God. That posterior vitreous detachment left a load of sticky vitreous globs (floaters) that were driving me crazy and making me want to wear dark sunglasses while working. They removed that gunk so now I don’t have floaters in that eye. (I still have some in my right eye but not nearly as bad).
Praying for a speedy and full recovery for you! Well done for getting back to the doctor so quickly and getting it sorted. It is so horrible when you're trying to figure out exactly what is wrong and what you need to do. Better to check.
I will keep you in my prayers!